API - Assume Positive Intent

Social media might seems to increasingly tell us a different story, but truly evil people are a rarity. We’re just fallible humans, and we all have bad days and do human things that can often be misinterpreted.

Sometimes, we’ll have a client, customer or colleague that shows up in a way that feels negative. And often that can feeling can be taken very personal. We don’t know why we do, and it’s easy to simply dismiss them as inconsiderate / mean / self-serving / ill-intended/etc.

It could just be a misread, it could be they are dealing with something you don’t know about (everyone suffers, and some are better at masking it). The conscious act of Assuming Positive Intent - shortened API - is a way of recognizing any interaction (including and especially those where the tone might be considered negative or aggressive) with the genuine belief that the person ultimately means well. It offers grace (and really, who doesn’t need a little these days?) When API is applied - with express purpose - it can relieve/mitigate the additional stress and anxiety that typically follows such interactions.

This is a very close cousin of the Ladder of Inference. The Ladder of Inference is the mental shortcut we all take from what we observe to what we assume to what we decide is true. A look, an email, a comment… and suddenly we’re telling ourselves “she’s texting so she’s clearly bored” or “he clearly has no time for me because.. ” (add the story, motivation, intent… go on.. write it all in your head)

Where you can apply API:

Avoid ‘interpreting’ negative tone in any written communication. Period. The End. (Emoji)
I once went nuclear on a “Reply-All” to my boss after he cc’d others on an email I found condescending. In the mid-2000’s I loved me a well-crafted email, factually litigated with perfect grammar and formatting and polishing words. So you can imagine the escapade I took from 10 pm - 11:30 sharpening my response to his “Show me the money” comment, which I completely read as him calling my sales numbers out (And they were good! So I had plenty to punch back with!).

Turns out… it was a Jerry Maguire quote.
Everyone on the thread knew it. Everyone except me.

But hours later they got a laugh reading my overtly FU/fact-based/“Oh-I’ll-show-YOU the MF money!” clap back reply.

Oh Ronnie. Young, confident ladder climber. Two steps at a time!

One thing that’s genuinely helped since then is emojis. If you’ve ever emailed with me, you know I love them. I think they’ve unconsciously saved me more than once. I see them as tiny visual cues that soften edges and signal intent. A wink. A smile. A high-five. Sometimes that’s all it takes to say, “Hey, this is coming from a good place.” At least I hope that’s how you read it. ;)

Learning to Listen Across Differences: Cultural differences matter more than we admit. In the NY metro area, we prefer to talk fast and generally rush to fill silence. So working with Japanese clients who often pause before answering (as a sign of thoughtfulness) can feel like culture shock. That silence can be deafening if you’re not used to it. Meanwhile, many Eastern Europeans communicate far more directly and frankly, which can feel *funcomfortable if you feel at home in a softer delivery environment.

None of this is right or wrong. It’s just different. What feels polite in one culture can read as passive-aggressive in another. What feels honest in one can sound harsh in the next. Each has merits and something to learn.

And if you lead diverse teams, it helps to name these things out loud. Make space to talk about how people communicate, what silence means to them, and how they prefer to give and receive feedback. That conversation alone can prevent a lot of unnecessary friction.

Check Your Own Weather

Before questioning someone else’s intent, it’s worth checking your own. Our mood and emotional state quietly shape how we interpret what others say and do. When we’re stressed, tired, or already off, it’s much easier to perceive negativity where none was intended. This one sneaks up on you.

A few years ago, I looked at the clock at 10 a.m. and thought, How have I already had three annoying conversations today? The pattern was obvious once I slowed down. The conversations weren’t the problem. I was.

Pausing to check where you’re at, especially before new conversations, is a simple way to practice assuming positive intent. It’s helped me more than I expected, particularly during the darker days of COVID.

*A funcomfortable story:

In 2010, while in Russia for a UX conference, I facilitated my friend Chris Avore’s UX Show and Tell for a room full of Russian designers. The format is simple: designers present their work to peers and get feedback. In the U.S., those sessions tend to be supportive, notably as many independent designers get together. They feel encouraging, nurturing, sometimes a bit overly kind.

This was my first time running it in Russia. After the very first designer finished presenting, the first audience comment came from a guy that stood up and started yelling (which translated through an interpreter was discordantly slow, monotone and blunt):

“I don’t like this at all. It’s a terrible idea. This would never work. And here is why.”

And that went on for 5 minutes. I was so caught off-guard. On the one hand it was exciting to see such energy but it felt super uncomfortable at the same time. I’m sure I looked like I was going to throw up. How horrible was this man? Sure, he didn’t like it but did he have to be so vocal?

But the room didn’t flinch. Over time I learned and admired that such strong criticism of ideas is normal and expected; it’s not about the person at all. I love that. It’s real, unvarnished critique that stays at the design. And so, of course the designer responded with equal fervor. And I don’t think I stopped looking like I wanted to throw up for the whole 90 minutes.